This is the most difficult message I have ever had to write, but after being a listener of yours for 4 years now I finally have to accept that there is both continuity and a cause to the endless failures that seem to shape my life thus far. I have an ACE score of 7, although I do believe that special consideration should be given to the context of the abuse, in my case this would surely increase my score.
Violence, incest, abandonment, neglect, torture and betrayal are all major themes in my family history. Each time I listen to a freedomain call-in show a light is shone on to either a suppressed or repressed memory of mine, and it becomes increasingly clear that I am actively, perhaps subconsciously refusing to succeed in life. Most importantly, I am beginning to understand why no one has ever intervened to stop my self destruction, and even more terrifying is that their existence depends on my destruction.
I am a British born West African male in my early 30s. I am tall, handsome, intelligent, charismatic, athletic and curious, but despite these gifts I have nothing of value to show for my time on this earth. I have bounced around from one addiction to another, from recreational drug use to sugar binges. I suffer from insomnia, chronic overthinking and crippling self doubt. I have never loved or been loved, but most disturbing to me is that I have never been loving to myself. I have dropped out of university twice, college three times, and procrastination has been my only consistent friend. After many years of inaction I am now afraid to dream, because each failure I add to my internal resume gradually erodes my sense of self worth and efficacy.
As a child I would curse God for creating me and forcing me into existence, I thought it was a sick joke that he would make me live a life of suffering. I often wished I could snap my fingers and end my own life. I had no real friends, we were discouraged from socialising outside of the immediate family, it was school, home and church.
My earliest memories were of being beaten by mother with the heel of her winter boot, being abruptly sent to live with an old woman relative in west Africa, and not seeing either my mother or father for months after that, all without any explanation at all! I have never had an intimate conversation with my mother, I have no memory of ever being hugged by her, I often wonder if she could mention 2 things that I enjoy doing. I have a memory of being woken up in the middle of the night by my mother and told to scrub my body in the shower with a soap from west Africa that had been prayed on and that would remove any evil curses. I could go on and on Stefan.
The true darkness of my family and childhood is buried deep, and even to think about it is to risk too much. The perpetrators and victims have families of their own now and this is why I haven't contacted you before today. I feel as though I am trapped in a cult of secrecy and shame. I truly believe that the victims in my family are quietly and politely dying inside as we look at each other for permission to cry out! But of course , there will never be permission. I am frozen in time, frozen by shame, frozen by fear, Frozen. Help Please Stefan.
I am currently studying for a master's degree so I can be available at anytime of day and on any day of the week.
My questions is, why haven't I been able to start a life of my own? And what must I do to escape the gravity of the past?
Thank you Stefan.