Hi Stefan. I'm not sure how to start this email so I'll just dive in. I need your help in how to stop having huge arguments with my wife. When we argue, I will get mad, emotional, and sometimes lose control. Meanwhile, she gets mad, sarcastic, and shuts down. We probably have some kind of falling out once a week or two and I just want it to stop. I don't want to spend the next 50 years arguing 26 times a year and I just want to fix it. We both come from families where yelling, manipulation, and hostility were how our parents interacted. Both of our parents are still together, but it seems to me there is resentment and that they're just existing together. I don't want to wind up like that and neither does she. We've been together since high-school (21 years) and married for the 16 years. She has many qualities that I admire, but I can't stand when we argue. She doesn't think it's as bad as I think it is, but a few times she has threatened divorce and I have said some terrible things as well. We both love each other and want to fix it, but it seems like we are deadlocked as to how to move forward. From my position it feels like she blames me for all the fights and justifies any response to me as justified because I was rude/mean first. Simultaneously, she thinks that she is the problem and that I should just leave and not be with someone who is broken. When it comes to hearing the things that are uncomfortable, she begins to self-deprecate and it winds up not being able to be resolved. I'm not saying she is the cause of it all, I share an equal responsibility, but I think we both have things from our past that we need to address and I'm just not sure how to go about it.
Instead of getting to the root of our arguments, it just becomes a non-sequitur discussion and never really gets resolved. Eventually things cool down after a couple of days and life goes back to normal until the next argument. This is not how I want our children to see two people who are supposed to be in love interact with each other. Most days are good, but when we fight it seems like the world is collapsing to me.
We have a lot in common, similar humor, we like lots of the same things, we are both conservative and she has been very supportive of my military career over the last 17 years. We are both pretty much on the same page when it comes to parenting, too. Out of 20 pregnancies, my wife has had 16 miscarriages and each one was a very difficult experience. However, we have 4 amazing children who we homeschool (she does 99% of it) and they seem to be growing up pretty well rounded. To everyone around us it seems like we have a great life with our family, stable financial situation, and everything you could possibly want.
Do you think that you might be able to help me? I have been listening to you since 2016 and your advice has changed my life, how we parent (still a long way to go) and If you were available to talk with me, I would be eternally grateful. I hope that my wife would come on, but I'm not sure she would. She has listened to you in the past and agrees with many of your points and is a strong supporter of you and your work so I hope she will join us.
I am sure you're busy with your family and many other things for the show, but if you were even able to take a little bit of time then it would mean the world. Thank you for your time and everything that you do to save humanity.
Keep up the good fight.